


Why Homestuck characters can't play Monopoly

by orphan_account



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Board Games, Chaos, Comedy, Funny, HSWC 2013, Implied Sexual Content, Monopoly (Board Game), Multi, Quick mention of masturbation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-11
Updated: 2013-08-11
Packaged: 2017-12-23 03:24:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 724
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/921420
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Exactly what the title says. Things like this always end in tears. Written for a bonus round during HSWC 2013.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Why Homestuck characters can't play Monopoly

**6.43:** Everybody is bored with no idea what to do.

**6.45:** Dave, in an attempt to get something done, suggests Monopoly.

**6.50:** The Monopoly game is afoot! For some ungodly reason, Eridan was picked to be the banker.

**7.00:** It is noted that after ten minutes of play, Eridan’s amount of money never changes even though he pays a lot. Suspicion arises.

GA: Eridan Why Are You Never Losing Money

CA: kan are you accusing me of cheating

CA: i am simply vvery good at this game

TT: Regardless of your skill level, the fact remains that you are bound to lose money at some point.

**7.02:** When Eridan refuses to admit that he’s cheating, Kanaya threatens to saw him in half. John and Dave have a discussion as Equius tries to restrain her:

EB: what would happen if eridan got sawed in half?

TG: shit man i dont know

TG: i guess that hed like be out of the game or something

TG: there is no way you can survive if my sisters crazy alien vampire girlfriend saws you in half

EB: but what if he survived? would his money be split between each half?

TG: since when are a pair of legs able to play monopoly

TG: if it was that way itd get very confusing

TG: like kanayas right arm its your turn you have to pay rent to roses left foot

EB: i guess you’re right! it’d get somewhat confusing…

**7.05:** Eridan has been demoted from his post as banker and Kanaya has had her lipstick confiscated. Rose gets promoted to be the banker.

**7.07:** John draws a Get Out of Jail Free card.

**7.15:** It quickly becomes obvious that nobody is willing to deal with each other. Eventually, Equius uses some “Friendly persuasion” to set up a trade between Vriska and Nepeta. The “meowrails” begin trading with each other to get the properties they want. Rose and Kanaya start setting up a complicated chain of deals.

**7.20:** Karkat ends up in jail due to bad luck. He uses a Get Out of Jail Free card that he must have picked up earlier in the game.

**7.23:** Kanaya draws a card. This happens:

GA: Get Out Of Jail Free Card This Card May Be Kept Until Needed Or Sold

GA: That Will Come In Handy Later I Guess

EB: hang on… something’s not right here!

TT: Oh?

EB: there are two get out of jail free cards in the game… i took one earlier and kanaya took one now. but where did karkat get his from?

CG: OH SHIT.

**7.24:** A shitstorm breaks out. Karkat is sent back to jail and is penalized by having some of his cash removed.

**7.28:** Vriska catches Terezi licking all the hotels in the box.

AG: Terezi, what the fuck are you doing? That is soooooooo disgusting!

GC: BUT TH3YR3 R3D >:]

AG: I don’t want to play with anything that you have licked.

GC: 1T MUST B3 4WFUL FOR YOU WH3N YOU 4R3 4LON3 4T N1GHT TH3N!

TG: OH SNAP

AG: I don’t mastur88, Terezi!

**7.29:** A _very_ awkward silence erupts.

**7.35:** Nepeta has managed to get her hands on both Boardwalk and Park Place. Everybody starts pleading for her not to build anything.

**7.45:** A hotel is standing on Boardwalk. A huge shitstorm breaks out and Nepeta has to hide behind Equius. Finally, Dave lands on it.

AC: :33 < h33h33, you owe me big time! :33

TG: oh hell no i aint paying you any money

AC: :(( < it’s in the rules! it’s no fun if you cheat!

CT: D ---> Dave human, I’d advise you to pay up

**7.46:** When Dave still refuses, it turns into a physical fight between him and Equius. Basically everybody gets in the fight trying to pry them apart. At this point, it becomes even more obvious that the game is never going to finish without somebody dying.

**7.48:** Karkat yells “FUCK IT!” and hurls the board out the window before taking all the pieces and buildings and flushing them down the toilet.

**7.55:** Everybody has calmed down. John suggests Cluedo instead. The suggestion is met with glares of death from everybody.

**7.56:** John finds himself flying out the window.

 


End file.
